Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
