I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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