she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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