Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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