So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
