I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
