Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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