Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
FUCK WHALES
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
