Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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