Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So squirting runs in the family.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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