Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sober January is a disaster.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How does one acquire holy water?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
