i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
