Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
