Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
