His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
either way he was missing a nipple.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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