There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
