we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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