i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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