The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
