Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
they're like a gay fantastic four
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
