I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
