My first STD was from a foam party
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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