then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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