38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
