I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
