Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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