No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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