I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize