just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
