Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
