Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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