Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
