He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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