Will you blow on my dice?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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