she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
there is glitter all over my balls
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