1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone threw a dead crab at me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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