My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I deserve this hangover.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
