i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
