Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
