I bet he comes in French.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
