Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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