Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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