finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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