half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
