Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
