I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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