My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
