The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
