hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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