So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
