i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
