Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
