The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
