i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
