I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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