4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
