I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
