we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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