Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
