I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Even my vagina gasped.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
