Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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