pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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