no one should ever give us hovercrafts
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The adults are the big ones right?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
