maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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